thanks for checking out my poetry…
get the “backstory” at the bottom of the page…
The Futility of Psychology…
What is psychology
but a feeble attempt
to label you and me
by a world that lacks
understanding
therefore,
one could easily say
arguably
then, that, in fact,
a single person
just because
they are called
a psychologist
does not possess
any special ability
to properly
understand
ANYTHING
especially
how
you and me
behave
because they have
have a few degrees
especially
because they can
only hear
the words we say
they cannot know
the thoughts
we think…
ADHD or Descriptive Fallacy?
So, I’m sure
you’ve all heard
about this thing
that so many people
seem to think
that so many people
seem to have
called
A.
D.
H.
D.
supposedly
this so-called
disorder
that is meant
to label somebody
that supposedly
has an
attention deficit
and is somebody
that supposedly
behaves
hyperactively
but if you ask me
it sounds more like
an accusation
to me
but that isn’t
the most
interesting thing
pay attention please…
these words are
actually
really
adjectives
which are words
that are
completely
relative
and subjective
that are
used to describe
someone or something
they are simply
the observations
of another
person
and if that is true
which it is
unfortunately
that means
that basically
ALL a person needs
to get a
prescription
for a legal form of
METHAMPHETAMINE
also known on the street
as
“speed”
or
“crank”
or
“dope”
and this “prescription”
is written by
ONE person
who has
ONE opinion
that this other person
fits a description
that fits the
definition
of this
so-called
condition
called ADHD
seriously???
this isn’t a diagnosis
this condition isn’t a disease
what? you don’t believe me? let’s see
let me tell you what I think
the condition
this messed up world
calls ADHD
is something else entirely
it is somebody’s BELIEF
wait, before you disagree
hear me out at least
what if GOD
sees them differently
what if
He sees what He created
a person
NOT with a “condition”
but with a PURPOSE
fearfully
wonderfully
designed specifically
for His GLORY
and WORSHIP
to be a daydreamer
full of the HOPE
of ETERNITY
full of VISION
and creativity
and WONDER
and PASSION
and FIRE
and dreams
they were given to use
to INSPIRE and set others FREE
and RIGHT NOW
all some people can see
is that they can
hardly sit STILL
and all it is
is that
this BEAUTIFUL
and CAPTIVATING
world that they can SEE
all around them
and stirring
WITHIN them
is frustrating
all because they
are expected to be
just like everyone else…
stuck in those
PRISONS
oops
classrooms
I mean
or
maybe
I
don’t…
On this stage…
I’m Just
Over Here
Just Trying
Not
To Write
The Wrong
Words
Or Say
The Wrong
Things
Not Quite
Sure Why
It Is That I
Worry
Quite
So Much
About That
Does
That
Make This
Act
Of Writing
That I Am
Doing
Just Another
Act
On This Stage
Upon Which
I’ve
Discovered
That I
Stand?
Scared of the Dark…
Sometimes I fear
I am afraid to write
For fear that what
I hold inside
Might come out
And come to life
But today I realized
That is actually
Darkness
in me
Trying to
hide
From His
Light…
How DO I deal…
How DO I deal
When the struggle gets real
And I don’t know at all
what’s real and what’s not?
Is it the enemy
Attacking me?
Or is it just my own thoughts?
It fills my heart
With so much sadness
Each time I realize
The depth of its blackness
Even though I know
That isn’t
Who I really am
Today
Unfortunately
My BRAIN
Still finds it difficult to see
A life beyond
The madness
Then it likes to
spiral into chaos
I really wish
it just had a switch
so I could just turn it off
in fact, that’s why I started writing
I’ve learned that this is really
a lot easier
than all that crying…
Am I the only one…
Am I?
Why does it seem like
People get so
Mad
At me
For reacting emotionally
When the truth is, honestly,
I don’t even understand
How can’t they be?
When you look around
And see
everything
That is happening.
So, I’ve started wondering
Am I the only one
That sees…
It’s not me it’s you…
Why does
Everything
I DO
Have to be about
you?
Maybe it’s just
ME
Going through
Some things
Maybe they are things
I
need to work through
on my own
things that
absolutely have
nothing
to
even do
at all
with you
so
kindly
please
won’t
you
return
to the
lane
assigned to you
and I’ll stay here
and do what
I
gotta
do
and tryyyy not to let
myyyy existence
somehow bother
you…
even though that
isn’t very
haaaard to do…
Maybe it is me…
Maybe it is me
that’s always bothered
by everything
always overthinking
definitely is
a
something
I’ve been known
for doing
but maybe
the only
enemy
that exists is
really
the enemy in
me
and my
messed up
ways
of thinking
after all my drinking
and other
bad ways
of coping
like
cheating
lying
smoking
stealing
dealing
doping
I’m definitely
not joking
seriousness
is just another
of the many
pathologies
I keep wishing
wasn’t part of me
guess I need to quit
wishing
and start
praying…
Too Proud to Beg…
I hate to admit
that I hate
to admit things
like my feelings
when I am hurting
or when
someone
is saying
something
I think
they are meaning
to painfully
passively
condemn me
even though
I know
it’s probably
the enemy
and I could easily
pray
to Jesus
to help me
and I know
my Heavenly Father
would readily
answer me
instead
I don’t know
why but I
choose to believe
the lie
and stuff all the
torment
down
instead of
reaching out
maybe it is
just
because
I am
just
too
proud to beg
for the kind of help
I really need
I could try
to blame
my dad
my papa
or my mom
my brother
or whoever
I could try to
blame somebody
for the things
they always used to say
like:
“don’t be a sissy”
“be strong”
“don’t listen to what people say”
“you gotta take care of yourself”
Even as a little girl
it was
“earn your keep”
“pull your own weight”
and
“never let anyone get your way”
no wonder
I ended up
this way
where I am today
Thank God
He showed me
the Way
And no matter what
happened before
I was still
chosen
To be saved
By a Heavenly Father
that doesn’t look
at life
that way
HE actually
LOVES it
when we come
to Him
with our pain
poor
and
weak
enough
to fall
on our knees
broken
contrite in spirit
alone and helplessly
crying out
for healing
as for my earthly dad
well…
I still pray for him
especially his
salvation
because I know
there isn’t
anything
he ever did
that I can’t forgive
just like
Jesus
died for me
I know He also
died for him
and that’s the way
it is…
THE Lie…
The truth
about
THE lie
that I
am
really
believing
Is that
anything
I do in this life
means anything
outside of
Christ
So why do I
believe it?
Because
my eyes can
barely even see this
side of eternity
let alone see clearly
How deep
How wide
Or how high
The Love of Christ
is for
ANYBODY
Let alone me…
Belief OS 2.0…
Why do we
complicate psychology
when it’s actually
a very simple thing?
The Oxford dictionary
calls it
“the scientific study
of the human mind
and its
functions
especially
those affecting behavior
in a given context”
Sure, that SOUNDS complex…
Unless you can see
the human mind
for what
it really is
a biological
machine
that can’t do
anything
without electricity
call it LIFE
if you will
energy…
so…it’s kinda
like a
PC, maybe…
it can only “do”
what it has been
“programmed” to do
based on what
somebody told it to
BELIEVE is true
about all of the
“input”
it is
receiving
so, then
basically
it is merely
perception
that is it’s “OS”
which is short for
“Operating System”
so, then
basically
one could say
whatever WE
believe
also determines
what we
DECIDE
and what we
ultimately will DO
with all the “input”
WE
“receive”
and so essentially
our reality
becomes subject to
how we PERCEIVE
thereby determining
what we BELIEVE
and THAT
determines
how we ACT
and if that
isn’t “programmed”
properly
it messes up EVERYTHING
and SEEING,
then, has NOTHING
to do with
BELIEVING,
instead, it’s
the OTHER way around
and it is only
FAITH
that can finally cure
FEAR
and destroy all of our DOUBT…
What I really needed to hear…
I know you think
you’ve heard it all before
and that phones are smarter
than most people are
so much so that
you won’t listen to me
but you allow a machine
that requires a battery
tell you how to do everything
where to go
and exactly how far
and how long it takes to get there
but what would you do
if I decided to
take that away from you?
what would you do?
never mind
don’t answer that
spare Me, please
but just think about it
for a minute instead
I know you
after all, I AM “He”
I created you
I created everything
you can’t fool anybody, really
I know how much
you really do love Me
I knew you’d come running
fast
back to Me
because I AM
because I HAVE BEEN
because I always WILL BE.
Whosoever I SHALL BE.
period.
I AM.
Everything.
that you need.
period.
I have always been there
when you didn’t even know it
all those lonely, lonely times
when no one else was there
when no one else cared
when you fell to your knees
I listened, I heard
you were crying out
for mercy
but you couldn’t see!
you were already held
you were already being carried
when you were weary
I showed you where to go
and exactly how to get there
and even when you even
turned your back on Me
I still didn’t leave you
you can’t fool anybody, really
I know how much
you really do
love Me
and I knew eventually
you’d come running
fast
back to the One
you belong to
because I AM.
because I HAVE BEEN.
because I WILL BE.
EVERYTHING.
that
you
need.
period.
period.
period.
apostrophe…wait, exclamation point, I mean!
OWNED…
Yeah, I know
I’m not my own
But I get to
always know that
I’m not alone
Yeah, I know
this world is not my home
But I get to know that
I am known
By the One
who always goes
Before me
and
behind me
The One who is always
with me
Who will never
leave me
nor
forsake me
Who will never let the enemy
separate me
from the One
who sent His Son to
save me
Whose sacrifice
justified
and paid the
full price
for me
The devil wanted me
dead
I know he had a price on
my head
And I thought that was
it
But it
was actually
Just…the…beginning…
Repentance…
What is this
repentance
of which I
so carelessly speak?
I fear I
am unaware
of such uncharted waters
that are
far deeper
than I could ever
even dare to believe
like the scars on my heart
once so wounded
wounded so deep
that I longed for Him
to stop
it’s
beat
yet
here I write
devoid of the spite
that once made
my poor
wounded heart
bite
the very hands
that tried to feed it
a thing for which
I owe a debt
quite infinite
still,
knowing
that even
this trespass
is forgiven
has instilled in me
an eternal sense
of reverence
especially in light
of His mercies
for there have been so many
granted already
throughout my
fleeting existence
and this relatively
light affliction
that pales in
comparison
to my sin
all of which
has inevitably
produced in me
this thing called
“repentance”
that is
truly genuine…
Help My Unbelief…
As the water flows
from my eyes
I guess I shouldn’t be
surprised
this wouldn’t be
the first time
that you helped me
right my wrongs
Still..
I can’t decide
which one is worse
when it’s me
or someone else
that hurts
the closer I get to YOU
the harder it is to tell
I think that is
because
Your word says
“we are one in the Spirit”
or maybe it is
like that one song
says it is
“It Is Well”
with my soul
but is it?
this question
is quite relentless
because I ask myself this
A LOT
even though
I know
Your word says
I am forgiven
when I confess my sin to You
I guess that must mean
that I still need You to
help me
with my
unbelief, too
and one other thing
I really think I need from You
is Father, please
won’t You
please
teach me
how to
hear YOU
when I am
listening…
Don’t Call Me Names…
I ain’t tryna pick a fight
But I
just
don’t
like
When juuuust
becaaaaause
a person
has
some
fancy
degreeee…
They think
they have
the right
to call
me
Anything
they think
they see
are you kidding me??
so, based entirely
on some observations
They made in
a
few
short
sessions
They get to call
“therapy”
they
think
they
can
label
me??
‘They” can tryyyy
I suppose
But it seems to me
anyway
that these labels that “they” use
are more like a very
convenient
excuse
that “they” just use
to exploit
and accuse
and potentially abuse
people like you
and me
so that “they” are able
to put food
on their own table
and lock us into
seeing doctors
and taking their
poisons
potions
and pills
forever
see
there’s
lots of
money
to be
made
that
way
it actually
somewhat
impresses me
it actually
seems
pretty
clever
to me…
in a
really
twisted kind of way
Thankfully
I saw
through
the lie
and I
just blew
their
cover
ALL
with the help
of my
Heavenly Father…
Never let me…
What do You have to say today?
I’m calling on Your name
Tryna listen
More than I pray
And wait
Because I know
You’re never late
You knew my heart
From the very start
‘cause you created it
You knew
What I would do
You knew
That is something
That is still
so
AMAZING
That even when I was sinning
You still loved me
but, NOW even more
NOW
I understand
That You love me
still
Even more than that
You love me enough
Not to let me stay like THAT
Or get any worse
So
Even when
the discipline HURTS
I can trust You
Because I know You
are faithful and true, too
And I can
surely know
That nothin’
gets by You
and it’s all
for my own good
(the one that loves You)
In the end…
Something Stupid…
Sometimes
I feel like
Doing
Something
Stupid
Like
Getting more tattoos
That I know that
I don’t really even want
Tattoos like the ones that
I already have
That I already regret
And that I am not really
Even sure why I
got
Guess it’s a good thing
That GOD
Taught me that
Feelings
Definitely are not
Facts
And it’s best
If I don’t let
My feelings
Determine
how I act…
Don’t Judge Me…
Lord, please help me
I can’t help
feeling
like this is
boring
I am trying
respectfully
listening
but, seriously
my head is nodding
I might start snoring
That would be
embarrassing
where is the line
will you draw it against me?
if I don’t like the preaching
How do I
Keep my eyes
On You
When a person’s voice
Makes me want to snooze
My mind is wandering
I keep yawning
That’s why I started writing
Am I just judging
Your sweet child
That is talking?
Or am I just being
Like any other
human being
as bored
as I am
listening
as so many of the
others around me
are looking?
If so, I’m so
Sorry for sinning
Won’t You please
Father, forgive me
and grant this one
the gift of teaching
before they stumble
anyone else…
My Worst Enemy…
How quickly I forget
All the things you did
How many times
You kept me safe
When I had chosen death
It didn’t matter to You
How many times
I tried
To take my life myself
Or even when I let somebody else
YOU still gave it back
Again and again
So, it’s hard not to be ashamed
of that sometimes
Especially
When I think about
All You’ve given me
And all I’ve thrown away
I try to tell myself
“Not today, satan!
I ain’t goin’ out that way!”
But he never listens to me
But actually
I think
I’m beginning to see
That is because
it’s not him, it’s me
And maybe when
Jesus said
To love my enemies
What He really meant
Was that I need to love me…
The Wrong God…
There’s the church
there’s the steeple
look inside
at all the people
they are
worshipping
the wrong god
there’s a generation
that’s been waiting
and looking
for something
to believe in
a place where people give
instead of take
where people are real
instead of fake
they see the church
they see the steeple
so they go inside
but they find the people
worshiping
the wrong god
so they get up
they walk out
they don’t look back
they don’t even want
to even pretend to fit in
they are tired of the people
that don’t even read
the Book
they are saying
they believe in
about the God they are saying
they are worshiping
this is the generation
that sees
what is really happening
in the church
were the people are
just hanging
with their friends
bragging to all of them
about all the things they got
and all the places they have been
and all of their
amazingly
perfect
little
children
so it really isn’t hard
to see
who
they’re really
worshiping
in all those
songs they sing
and who it is
they really
put their faith in
and what it is
they really
put their trust in
so, who could it be?
what could it be?
why, none other than the
most famous god
in the entire country…
Their god is…
drumroll, please…
“Me”
and all my…
“Money”
Bound by Propriety…
I sit and I watch
As my heart expands
Within my chest
As I beg
My Lord
“Help my soul
To stay at rest…”
As I sit and I watch
It just rips my heart
Apart
All the needs
That I see
Right in front of me
And I
Am here
So close
Yet so far away
Bound by propriety
And all the rules
And the fear
Of what is allowed
Or what is expected of me
Or being who “they” want me to be…
Instead of
Offering the love
I know
Would set them free
It is only
Jealousy
Holding me back
Really
Because if I help them
Then it’s not
Them
The ones controlling me
Would rather it be them
And they only see me
But they don’t understand
It’s only
Christ in me
So they hate me
Instead
Because of the enemy
That’s in them
Because it’s really not them
It’s the enemy
that hates
HIM
So
The enemy uses
“them”
To silence me
To try to keep HIM
From being used
To set the captives
Free
So, the question really is
If this is still happening,
Am I really
Free?
And when
All is said and done
Was it the enemy
That was in them?
Or was it the enemy in me…
Let Me Count the Ways…
Once I stopped
Checking all the boxes
And making all the lists
To make sure that I
Measured up
To my own ridiculous
Standards
As impossible as
They might be
I was finally able to be
Able instead
To begin to do
What HE said
And count the ways
And there were so many
Already
I had been
So blessed
So abundantly
By Him each day
And now that I get this
Now I can know this
Today
When I thank Him
I actually
mean
what I
say…
Knowing what to do…
I don’t know, Lord
What to do
What to do anymore, Lord
Except maybe to
Follow you
I can’t do
What I used to
Because my paths
Always lead to You
No matter what I try to do
I can do nothing apart from You
Where can I go?
Now that I know the truth
I am not required to
But I truly love you
So, it is this…
This sentiment
That drives the requirement
That I submit to Your will
In spite of my own
Which only gets hard
When I am feeling all alone
Still, even this sacrifice
Can hardly suffice
To honor our Father’s mercy
When He allowed You
To trade Your life for mine
I’m sorry
The next time I start feeling like this
Please help me snap out of it
And please forgive me
For being such a sissy…
Anxious for the Cure…
I cast
away
anxiety
Because I know
He cares for me
I cast
away
anxiety
Because I know
He’s with me…He loves me…He freed me…
He sent His only Son
To die for me
Yes, just little
old
ME
Even if I was
the only one
That’s what
He still would
have done…
FIRE by NIGHT…
If I were to
let the words flow
every time
something
inspired me
I would be
writing
constantly
but something
somewhere
quenched
that
raging
FIRE in me
yet
there
are
embers
yet, perhaps
somehow
I could allow
some burning desire
to fan the
flame
beneath the
ashes
I became
I just might
but not tonight
that’s something
that might
take me back
in time
to when I let
my fire
burn so BRIGHT
and the flames
were so
dangerously high
so…very…high…
that their LIGHT
seemed to be burning
other people’s eyes
or maybe
it was only
the smoke
as my
old
life
as the
old
me
died
that
night…
808…
The Truth of Your Word
resonates
in my veins
thumping
in my chest
my heart
pounding
like an
808
knowing
that You
can relate
to everything
Your love
consumes
the hate
with every
Good choice
I make
You are
righting
all
my
wrongs
fixing
all
my
mistakes…
THIRST…
No matter the faces
No matter the names
Wherever the place is
Spirit and Truth will never change
They are there amidst the laughter
Amidst each and every tear
Lifted high in songs of praise
Every head bowed
Every hand raised
In each and every breath we take
In each and every prayer we make
Each and every one
In perfect unison
Different hearts
Yet all the same
Wanting and yearning
Crying eyes
Drying bones
With a THIRST
Only Your love satisfies…
SHE is WE…
I have a word
for a woman
but I won’t say
her name
because we ALL
probably feel
this way…
if her outsides
looked like
her insides
did today
I wouldn’t have much else to say
if her fresh face
were to be replaced
by worry lines and frowns
Lord knows
this world
tries
to bring her down
But she doesn’t ever let it
Because she knows
because of HIM
she’s got a hope
and a future
with HIM forever
If there were scars on her face
from the battles
she had to face
along the way
just to get this far
you wouldn’t even
recognize her…
but, she’s got a glorious smile…
because she has a
gloooooorious God
shining HIS light upon her
so, what’s her name?
does it really matter?
Because if she’s got the Holy Spirit
living inside her
Then Jesus Christ
or
Yeshua the Messiah
is the only name
that really does
really matter
Nevertheless
Can you guess?
She is me
She is you
She is her
She is we
Because in HIM
all we really are
Is ONE…
In and Out of Season…
Theres a time
For everything
And a season
Here under heaven
That’s why we’re living
We’ve all got a reason
For living and dying
Here under heaven
Only God knows
What for
And every breath
Is a blessin’
Here under heaven
No matter what
You believe in
Your story
Is for His glory
You better believe it
So, if you want
His mercy
you better worship
You better give it
All to HIM
Cuz He’s got it like that
Yeah…
That’s why my tears
Have turned
Into
Laughter
And as I rejoice now
AND
In the
Hereafter
And praise Him
With every song
I’m singing
He gives me
His blessing
Now I ain’t
got time
To keep quiet
He wants to break
These chains that are binding
So, we gotta lift our voices
As loud as we can
And shake the walls
all around this land
And take it all back
Let the message be heard
To the ends of the earth
That all of this
is all
Just a part
Of His perfect plan
And
If we can
Stick with Him
‘Til the end
We win!!!
At The End…
Here I am
Thanks to HIM
At the end of myself
Thank you, God…
Finally…
For helping me
See
What was holding me
Inside that cell
That prison I created
For myself
By myself
Without ANY help
A victim of
My own making
And the whole time
I know
The devil
Must have been
Just laughing
Because he knew
I was doin’ all his work
FOR him
But now it’s me
Laughing
And the jokes on him
Cuz he surely tried to kill me
But I am still ALIVE
Because whom the SON sets FREE
is FREE indeed…
backstory
The words you read above, fraught with heartache and healing, were a journey through my recovery process written throughout the time I spent in seven different shelters and recovery programs/centers I attended after my home burned down in Bakersfield, CA…
After being treated for sepsis and detox at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Bakersfield, CA, I was released to the Capistrano Women’s Recovery Center there. In less than a week they kicked me out…
I was able to get into the Teen Challenge in San Jose, CA and had the same problems there. They gave me a couple more chances at their other centers in Redding, CA and Yuba City, CA. It didn’t work out at those places either and they gave up on me after 14 months…
Yahweh blessed me with a bed at the Good News Rescue Mission, and I got into the New Life Recovery program in Redding, CA. Still, after six months I couldn’t get along with anyone, and they had to release me…
Again, Yahweh blessed me with a bed at the Eureka Rescue Mision Women’s Shelter and they enrolled me in the discipleship program there. I only survived that for six months….
Still, Yahweh already had a plan. I got right into The Betty Kwan Chinn Homeless Foundation’s Blue Angel Village during which time I was given a job working for Agape Home Care as a part-time home care aide. They moved me into a nicer domestic violence shelter, but it didn’t take long for me to get kicked out of there, too…
This was all really hard while it was happening, but today I KNOW that Yahweh had a bigger plan all along…
The rest is history in the making…
I am still renting from and working with my new family, the Ambassadors Fellowship, and life is better than ever…
Poetic Psychology 